Jokes and wonders of the bible

[زهرة المودة]

Jokes and wonders of the bible

In the Name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Jokes and the wonders of the Bible

thanks to our brother sa3d
http://www.ebnmaryam.com/vb/t586.html

للمزيد من مواضيعي

 

الموضوع الأصلي : Jokes and wonders of the bible     -||-     المصدر : مُنتَدَيَاتُ كَلِمَةٍ سَوَاءِ الدَّعَويِّة     -||-     الكاتب : زهرة المودة

[زهرة المودة]

First Episode
Ezekiel 4 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...4&version=NASB
12"You shall eat it as a barley cake, having baked it in their sight over human dung."
13Then the LORD said, "Thus will the sons of Israel eat their bread unclean among the nations where I will banish them."
14But I said, " Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I have never been defiled; for from my youth until now I have never eaten what died of itself or was torn by beasts, nor has any unclean meat ever entered my mouth."
15Then He said to me, "See, I will give you cow's dung in place of human dung over which you will prepare your bread."

The man was eating his bread on human dung but God corrected his situation and give him cow’s dung instead of human dung



Isaiah 36 )New International Version)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...36&version=NIV
12 But the commander replied, "Was it only to your master and you that my master sent me to say these things, and not to the men sitting on the wall—who, like you, will have to eat their own filth and drink their own urine?"

The men’s are eating their own filth and drinking their own urine

Deuteronomy 23)New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...3&version=NASB
13and you shall have a spade among your tools, and it shall be when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and shall turn to cover up your excrement.

Why should he return to his faeces to cover them ?
What are the benefits of covering the stool ?
Why did he pass out his stool in an unsuitable place from the beginning ?

[زهرة المودة]

The second episode
Donkeys Dialogue
Numbers 22)New International Version)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...22&version=NIV

Balaam's Donkey
21 Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his donkey and went with the princes of Moab. 22 But God was very angry when he went, and the angel of the LORD stood in the road to oppose him. Balaam was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him. 23 When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, she turned off the road into a field. Balaam beat her to get her back on the road.
24 Then the angel of the LORD stood in a narrow path between two vineyards, with walls on both sides. 25 When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, she pressed close to the wall, crushing Balaam's foot against it. So he beat her again.
26 Then the angel of the LORD moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the left. 27 When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, she lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat her with his staff. 28 Then the LORD opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?"
29 Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now."
30 The donkey said to Balaam, "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?"
"No," he said.

[زهرة المودة]

The third episode

The trees dialogue
Judges 9 )New International Version)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...+9&version=NIV

8 One day the trees went out to anoint a king for themselves. They said to the olive tree, 'Be our king.'
9 "But the olive tree answered, 'Should I give up my oil, by which both gods and men are honored, to hold sway over the trees?'
10 "Next, the trees said to the fig tree, 'Come and be our king.'
11 "But the fig tree replied, 'Should I give up my fruit, so good and sweet, to hold sway over the trees?'
12 "Then the trees said to the vine, 'Come and be our king.'
13 "But the vine answered, 'Should I give up my wine, which cheers both gods and men, to hold sway over the trees?'
14 "Finally all the trees said to the thornbush, 'Come and be our king.'
15 "The thornbush said to the trees, 'If you really want to anoint me king over you, come and take refuge in my shade; but if not, then let fire come out of the thornbush and consume the cedars of Lebanon!'
seems to me that the auther of this story has a nice imagination

[زهرة المودة]

Fourth episode
Is their anything in this world called dragon


Revelation 12 )New International Version)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...12&version=NIV
3Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. 4His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born.

Is this the word of God in his Bible? Or Tales of the ancients
?
And why he have seven heads and ten horns instead of fourteen horns

seems that john was having a trip to wonderland



Genesis 1 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...1&version=NASB
21God created the great sea monsters

And where are those monsters ???

[زهرة المودة]

The fifth episode
People are eating their own kids
2 Kings 6 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...6&version=NASB

28And the king said to her, " What is the matter with you?" And she answered, "This woman said to me, 'Give your son that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow.'
29" So we boiled my son and ate him; and I said to her on the next day, 'Give your son, that we may eat him'; but she has hidden her son."



Deuteronomy 28 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...8&version=NASB

53" Then you shall eat the offspring of your own body, the flesh of your sons and of your daughters whom the LORD your God has given you, during the siege and the distress by which your enemy will oppress you.
57and toward her afterbirth which issues from between her legs and toward her children whom she bears; for she will eat them secretly for lack of anything else, during the siege and the distress by which your enemy will oppress you in your towns.

No Comment

[زهرة المودة]

The sixth episode
The bible has quoted by books that doesn’t exist
Numbers 21 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...1&version=NASB
14Therefore it is said in the Book of the Wars of the LORD,
"Waheb in Suphah,
And the wadis of the Arnon,
Joshua 10 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...0&version=NASB
13 So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped,
Until the nation avenged themselves of their enemies
Is it not written in the book of Jashar? And (N)the sun stopped in the middle of the sky and did not hasten to go down for about a whole day.
Kings1 : 11 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...1&version=NASB
41 Now the rest of the acts of Solomon and whatever he did, and his wisdom, are they not written in the book of the acts of Solomon?
Chronicles1 : 29 )New American Standard Bible)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...9&version=NASB
29Now the acts of King David, from first to last, are written in the chronicles of Samuel the seer, in the chronicles of Nathan the prophet and in the chronicles of Gad the seer,
Chronicles2 : 9 )New American Standard Bible)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...9&version=NASB
29Now the rest of the acts of Solomon, from first to last, are they not written in the records of Nathan the prophet, and in the prophecy of Ahijah the Shilonite, and in the visions of Iddo the seer concerning Jeroboam the son of Nebat?

Where are all those books ???

[زهرة المودة]

The seventh episode
Sadistic David

Samuel2 : 4 )New American Standard Bible)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...4&version=NASB
12Then David commanded the young men, and they killed them and cut off their hands and feet and hung them up beside the pool in Hebron But they took the head of Ish-bosheth (Q)and buried it in the grave of Abner in Hebron.

[زهرة المودة]

Episode 8
Eunuch
Deuteronomy 23 )The Message)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...23&version=MSG
1 No eunuch is to enter the congregation of GOD. 2 No bastard is to enter the congregation of GOD, even to the tenth generation, nor any of his children.

What is the fault of eunuch
But he should also eunuchs himself to enter heaven
Matthew 19)New American Standard Bible)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...9&version=NASB
12"For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it."
Why do you eunuchs yourselves for the kingdom of heaven??

[زهرة المودة]

The ninth Episopde
Christ riding on two donkeys together!!!!
Matthew 21 )New International Version)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...21&version=NIV
5"Say to the Daughter of Zion,
'See, your king comes to you,
gentle and riding on a donkey,
on a colt, the foal of a donkey.' "[a]
6The disciples went and did as Jesus had instructed them. 7They brought the donkey and the colt, placed their cloaks on them, and Jesus sat on them